Your endearing

Sense of charm,
keeps me guessing.

Ive never been so drawn toward someone in so many different ways. You keep me guessing, yet are still so adumbrate. To see you without me for a number of days would leave me at my fall. I dont know many words to sum up how I feel about you.

I wish only that these monotonous nights would last forever. Starting with a simple hello and ending with your head resting so gentle on my shoulder as I spin your hair and we drift into slumber. Please dont let these tender night be nothing, and dont let your love dry with these stormy sunday evenings.

Just be mine.

Its all I ask. Please dont trail, please dont split.

Be here, I need you by my side.

addicted

Your love
Your love
Your love



Is my drug.

this weekend.

Tonight :

_Pizza
_wings
_lostboys /or the patriot
_cuddling
_walk around the neighbourhood.

Sat:
_sleep in until 4pm
_shower/ spend hours on my hair
_ride bev to saving grace

Sun:
_more sleep
_clean my room
_bed early.



Perfect life?

Not quite but this is about as close as it gets :)

11:11

Mmmmmm

my life

... Fuck it

Minus louis :)

i love you

Easily one of the most abused phrases in the english language.

People can love something for many different reasons, you love your mother, you can love a dish of your favorite food, a family pet or even a band. how can such a versitile word be used to describe another human thta you care for immenaly? How could you even compare the love of your life to a song or a chien? It doesn't make much sense to me.
Love can be an emotion to describe "feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of" be such a wide statement. As much as love is an easy emotion, it comes with almost no warning, you can't stop yourself from loving or caring for someone. Nor can you help having the feeling placed onto you. Such a serious word with so many descriptions.

How many times can you love? Is there room in a heart for more than one person? Is love an easy fix or a hard ending? Its really hard to say. But from what I gather, love is one of the most terrible and amazing feelings. Its seen me at my best and my worse. Felt me lift off the air in joy and hit the ground it tears crying til it hurt to breath. Its made my chest feel so heavy and full that I thought I would surely feel this way forever and also made me feel so incrediable empty and sad that I swore it would be the death of me. So it seems apparent that although I have no idea what love is, and cannot begin to describe or feel half of the things I feel should come along with it. How is it fare for me to claim such a huge title or stick it to another?

It doesn't make much sense that's for sure, but from what I know and what I can take from it, its not a word or phrase you can break down to bare meanings. Noone can ever love one how they've loved another and its never the same for two people. The best I can do to keep up is sit tight,hold on and hope this isn't another plumit to the bottom.

Who's to say forsure what this is or what it means to you? All I know is that word has a lot into it. And I'm willing to spend it all on you

Conclution: The simplest things in life seem to always be the most complicated.

(This is a glimpse into some of the things I ponder on the way home from work on the metro, when I'm not reading.)

tonight

Cupcakes
Painting
Cuddles
Kisses



If this isn't the goodlife, I'm not sure what is?

'my wife works here'

I know i said i wouldn't post a million and ten about him...


...but FUCK he makes it super hard.


Conclution: I'm sitting at work and everyone is talking about how shitty their boyfriends are, for once I have nothing to contribute to a conversation

Summer Goals 2010

I decided it makes the most sense to carry over any goals that were completed from last year for starters. Maybe cross off a few that I already managed to do :)

THE BOLDED POINTS ARE ONES I MANAGED TO COMPLETE THROUGH THE YEAR, FROM LAST YEARS LIST!


1. Fall in Love
2. Save Money
3. Get a job
4. Endless camping trips and midnight walks.
5. Spend one night under the stars, no tent nothing just up all night talking about life.
6. Finish my sleeve.
7. Get a job I can advance in.
8. Destroy something beautiful.
9. Find piece in bretts death.
10. Learn to be more patient.
11. More High heels/ Dresses.
12. Learn to budget money a little better.
13. Purchase Romeo and Juliet again.
14. Watch all the seasons of 'Are you afraid of the dark'
15. Grow up
16. Create something I'm proud of.
17. Care for someone else more than myself.
&&
18. Visit my mother.



On top of these goals, which seem easy enough, I've been trying to do one good deed a day. I figure I owe it to the universe for letting me have such an amazing boyfriend.

Anywho there we are.
Updates and Summer Goals just as I planned.


Now go out side world, Its a beautiful day, summer will be here soon!!

Another interesting Update

THis was a list of things I posted that I wanted in a boy last year.. Lets see what I'm missing.
I want a boy who will:

* Make me happy when I'm sad. (check)
* Give me little hand crafted objects to let me know he's thinking of me.
* Give me kisses all day and not care who is around to see it or what they are thinking.(check)
* Who will encourage me to live to my fullest potential and nothing less.(check)
* Who i can feel comfortable around no matter WHAT is going on.(check)
* A boy who will never make me feel dumb or underestimate me.(check)
* Someone who will respect me to the fullest(check)
* Brag about me whenever he gets the chance.(check)
* Call in sick with me sometimes just to spend the whole day in bed with me listening to mayday parade and singing like idiots, cuddling and who will bring me strawberries in bed =)
* Give me his whole heart and not a smidgen less.(check)
* Want to spend time with me, who doesn't live by a schedule or at least one who will be able to fit me into it.(check)
* Take cute pictures with me, go on dates with me, hold my hand when i get tattoos, and those other boyfriend-type things.(check)
* Hold me in the dark when I'm falling asleep and never let go(check)
* WILL LOVE ME, for who i am, past mistakes I've made, and future ones that i will.(check)

I want a boy who I can love.


Does this mean its real?? Hope so.


J'tm

Neglect

That's what I've been doing to my blog.

So dear internet here are a few things as I've been promising for weeks now!!

Starting with Dun dun na na!!!
UPDATES!

So I thin it has become pretty evident that I have a boyfriend, im happy now. Its weird how something can come up on you so suddenly you dont see it, completely blind to its upcoming and bam, before you know it youre bathing every night with a gorgeous boy whom you spend ever spare second of your life with, staying up until 4 am talking and being so madly and hopelessly in love.

But enough of that im sure you all get the picture on that one.

My new point, im working a job I actually like with people who I actually think are really fucking cool. Its amazing hours but Im always looking for improvement, so I have a second interview at Urban Outfitters, we'll see how that goes. . .

Some of my friends ships I feel are weathering away with the winter months. It saddens me to know that we aren't going to have any of our sleepover, late night drives, or conversations on the roof anymore. I really miss you, you feel like home. You mean a million and ten things to me and I dont want to see you slipping away from me, as i feel that you already are. No one in my life has been able to care as you have or cared to speak up like you to show my stubborn blind eyes what i need to do to get my life on track. You hold me down, make me see hings for what they're really worth (myself included) and I can't shake the feeling that Im going to lose you. Joel if you even ever read this anymore I want you to know I miss you, and love you immensely, you know hoe much you mean to me, please shove aside a few minutes a week to hangout with me again. I miss you at my doorstep at 4am always concerned but happy to be talking to me nonetheless. I know im lost and im trying i really am. Im out of my rut and i want you to be here for me not just for the bad parts but the good ones too.

I haven't seen my family in five months now, with the acception of a few nights spend with my mother i miss her dearly and mothers day is coming up, I wish i would have thought about it enough to have put something together to send her, a card even. But i fail at being a good daughter.

I made a financial plan today, Should make me pretty broke but I can finally finish my arm and stomach, cover up my body so I can look how I want. Possibly be sacure? WE'll see.

My apartments a friggen mess, there's clothes everywhere, as i type my computers sitting on a box of art supplys and my keyboard on my lap over the side of my bed. There's dust everywhere from the renovations, and paint, bits of paper and forgotten novels thrown about. Ive been trying to read everyday, increase my IQ and vision. I have a million things on the go, and just finished a few pieces for an art show that Jodi is putting on. Needless to say more than a few things in my life are a little cloudy and messy. BUT for the first time in my life im getting things done :)

Since starting my new job two weeks ago, I have read a novel and a half, completed many pieces of art, fallen in love. Finally I found balance. Im doing those crumby adult things I need to do to get by but at the same time, im getting done those millions on tiny things i need to do and somehow always seem to not have NEGLIECT.

That being said I supose its appropriate to write a conclusion: (I'll keep it short and sweet)

Even though I'm stress free i still feel pressure,
Even though I'm 'successful' I still want to move forward.
Even though I'm content there are still a few material positions that I wish I could grip onto.

that being said. . .

Being a little broken, in love, messy and chaotic > Not working, eating all day, sleeping in until 4pm and living in Ontario


I can finally breath :)

4:16am

4:16am
4:16am
4:16am
4:16am
4:16am
4:16am
He woke me up
just to tell me
that he


loves me.





Conclution:life is unreal.

you

You got me wonderin why I - I like rough

I-i like it rough!

Blog unrelated.



Conclution: Lady gaga > justin bieber.

its almost as though

i get lost
from
time
to
time.


And sometimes, its incredibly hard to see you staring back.




Current Mood: Girly//negative.

Also

I know I'm a fag for only blogging about one thing.

But I can't fucking help it!!


Conclutionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn: i think its fair to say im hooked.

never ever ever

Part from me, or my heart.

Promise me a long time, because baby this is the best Iv'e felt in so long. And I dont' think I could part with the bubble baths and cupcake pebbles, the late night make out sessions in my kitchen while dinners getting cold on the table, your lips, your hands on my back and neck, those arms.. mmmm i never wanna part from those arms.

Either way I'm sure you get the point.

I, need you.
I need, you.

I Need You.


Conclution: I dont think i could deal with not having shitty curly hair when I fall asleep from our baths, or always smelling like bananas/ocean mists. You making fun of my iTunes (eventhough you totally sing lady gaga all the time you love her.) Just please please please please please please dont let this be a waste of time!!!!

Summer time summer time!

New daily rituals: Wake up at 8, get to work, drink coffee until i shake/feel like im going to puke, work til 6, paint til i fallasleep or end up in a bubble bath with my adorable aryan boyfriend. Im not sure if life is good or bad this way but either way Im not complaining.


:D

Sitting at work

I can still smell a hint of banana bubble bath on my skin.

It makes me think of you,which makes my day about 700 times longer, because I still get TOO excited for 21h30, it can never come soon enough.

But on the other note, work is long and my back hurts so badly i can't really move my neck properly. I have a job interview tomorrow and noooo idea what to wear!!

Conclution: Everyone send me 1$ so i can afford to go see a chiroptractor. svp

kocham cie ♥♥♥♥♥♥

Too soon?

Hey whos to say, but its how i feel.
The last couple of weeks of my life have been fucking unreal.

Conclution:If men creepily message you on facebook ALWAYS respond! It might be the best decision you've ever made.

Fear: is not an emotion, its a weapon of control. Used by yourself or others to obtain a new beginning.

I seem to find myself slowly hardening. Taking this once soft shell and molding it and crafting it into an adimentium fortress. And with the turning of the seasons and the of shoulders and my 'friends' sweet embrace I seemed to realize something.
***
You look at me and ask me whats on my mind, what am i thinking? I am incrediably calm and relaxed in your presence and for the first time in my life i know what its like to lay next to someone and not be thinking about anything. You brush the hair from my eyes and i look up to make contact with yours and you tel me I'm cute, which I naturally deny. And look at you with almost a squint in my eyes becuase youre the gorgeous one. We both smirk and I just you a gentle kiss on the nose, which he will repeat at least three more times before the next time I see you. In which case it will overlap itself again.

See lying with you I begin to reolise something I could stress about my job, or rent or food. But baby whats the point? I have you and that's all I need.I mean essentially you cannot provide me a shelter or food or heat but when I look in your eyes I am at home. Everything is going to be okay.

When you're hand is enclosing mine I feel like I'm on top of the world. No one will drag me down, and you think that the million little things you do are annoying and aggravating. I think they're precious.

With all that's been going on in my life and the sudden shifts and changes things are going to change substantially. But I have faith in you and us. For the first time in a long time I am happy, and warm and smiling, There's a skip in my step and my heart is beating to that upbeat drum that it's missed for such a long time.

Something about you, the way you look, touch and smell lifts me up. I have started to slow down, the pace I used to grace the sidewalks with has now becuase a slow stroll, because whats the hurry, I want to spend as much time with you as possible. Doing everything, I have so many plans for us, for the summer and I want them to be perfect. I am not a fan of classical rock nor would I call myself a Beatles fan at all, but they really pinned it when they said 'all you need is love' I finally get it.

In my twenty years of existence I have felt nothing like this. I have never been so happy and scared and enchanted by someone else. I just want to be my best for you. I want to try, I mean Ive got you but I don't wanna let myself go one single once, I want to always be the beautiful charming and talented young girl that I am. I never want you to see another girl in the eye that you see me. I don't want you to ever loose interest, feelings or heart for me.

I think I finally get it now and I couldn't be anymore ecstatic. I just wanna be with you, I don't care what it takes or what it means. I could never see myself being bored with you, or anything, You're perfect in ever aspect I would climb the highest mountain and scream it at the top of my lungs to tell you how I felt.I need you to understand that I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not like the other girls, and I don't ever want to be. No one else gets my stupid humor or how I think.

To be continued. . .

THE CAKE IS A LIE

This was a triumph!
I'm making a note here:
"HUGE SUCCESS!!"
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.

out with the old and in with the new

I dont think anyone really follows anymore. But part of my growing and such I feel it necessary to delete everything on my blog.

Previous to Montreal,
because looking back...


NONE of that shit fucking mattered :)

And my life is happier without it, also all my facebook photos have been removed.

fini.

Conclution: Its ok to move forward from harsh times, and bad memories, but never forget them. You can always learn and grow from anything in your life, weather it be tragic or happy.

xxx

Goodmorning perfect.

The worst part of my day:

Peeling myself out of bed.


Conclution: Call in sick, dont do to work, spend the day in bed with someone who you love. Not in a way-too-soon-creep-way. Enjoy the day world :)

Oh yeah and a friendly little hint for everone out there: Fall in love,it will boost your ego.




<3 Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!

im finally yours

100%
100%
100%

Good day:) beautiful weather.

Work,park,cleaning, tea and pie. I seriously don't deserve any of this.

Xoxo

No conclutions today, just a happy heart

my promise.

I will never do a thing to hurt yu again. Please know nothing was malicious or out of spite. I want you back 100%

You mean more to me than I'd like to admit for fear of being a creep.

You mean so much to me. I'm not willing to los you or give you up, not this soon, not this easy.



Also please don't make fun of me for what's written in my journal.

Conclution: This is the first time in my life ive been completely honest with someone, and been so carefree about all my mistakes past or present. I dont want to throw this away. I love that you still would never judge me, to a certain degree.

PROOF!

There is a god.

Being the plague.

Ive buried more bodies than Id like to admit,
Caressed more patches of skin than Ive confessed to loving.

And been the direct reason for the death of three young men.

Its been years, and I'm still just as confused. Slightly scared of commitment as much as I want it. I'm very scared.

-New job Monday.
-My heart is confused.

hmph.

this weekend

i am so unbelievably excited

rainy weather and staying in has never made me more grateful.
Relaxing weekends are the best thing i have right now

xxx

oh god oh god oh god

Im not sure what I did to deserve this but im so glad it happened.
If everynight could be like that last three i would be forever greatful.

This has been the best week of my life.

Hold on to me and please dont let me go, without your arms around me i feel like this is not even real.

Going to post summer goals soon. Maybe carry over a few of the older ones, we'll see.

oh fuck

It feels so good to be back on top

A well deserves thank you.

Joel Blanchfield.

Thank you so much for always being there for me, the late night phone calls, delting with me on my period, inviting me into your home and family, driving me home late at night without even asking for a penny in return, for being at my house withing 20 min anytime i call you, even if its at 3am and i fall asleep an hour after you get there. Thank you for dealing with my mood swings, not finding me disgusting when Im stuffed with food, dancing to life ruiner wearing gross clothes. Thank you for never judging me, for always being there for me and for being probably the best friend i have ever had.

I am sorry for getting frustrated, bitchy and irritating. For calling you 7 times in a row until you pick up so I can ask you really dumb questions. Im sorry for making you climb on roofs when i know you hate heights so i can draw dicks on peoples sky lights. Im sorry for always changing your fave songs in the car to put on mine, and for spilling 7up all over your passanger seat. For whiping my nose on you always, and making you deal with me when im gross and haven't showered in three days.

What im trying to say..

You're probably one of the most selfless people I have ever met, I sometimes dont treat you as you deserve, and im really truly sorry. You always look out for me without even thinking twice. While writing this i realised how much of a terrible friend i am to you. And im really sorry.

Conclusion: Words could never express the the gratitude I have for you, or how much i appreciate everything, sometimes I really do forget how much you've done for me. Im incrediably selfish when it cmes to this stuff, im going to try harder.

xxxjamie

Can someone please

love me?

for a minute?

for an hour?

For an Eternity.
I want to feel like Im worth devotion, loyalty and honestly. Just once.

Conclusion: Sad night im loosing faith

I keep clicking my heels

but its all still here.

Just when I thought it was safe to open my eyes and come out from under my covers, the darkness howls at me again.

So ill lay back down, cover my eyes, click my heels.
But still theres no place like him.


Comclution: Never leave montreal for more than two days.

i would give the world

To have this right now.
I cant wait. SVP

Honestly

I put up walls because everytime I let someone in they use me,

reign

Your innocence on me.

N'uff said

you have won my heart.

Please don't be reading this. I have high hopes that you either read this all yesterday, or forgot entirely about it. I'm aiming more for the second one- hopefully!

But eitherway, i wanted someone, anyone to know I feel incrediably happy. I feel as though I'm setting myslef up but I feel again,I'm not numb

And guess what sir? I did art. Its a big deal, its been a long time since I have done anything hald expressive


Conclution: its 8:30 am on. Wendsday, normally I'd be sleeping, on this fine morning I woke up early, and you were first thing that crossed my mind. Don't hurt me svp

xxx

"Those who forget the past

Are condemned to repeat it"
-George Santana


I don't think anyone even follows this anymore, as before everyones forgotten me, my fear of abandonment and anxiety from it all put the hospital no more than a month ago.

but nonetheless I am not afraid to admit before I moved here:
-i lied
-i stole
-i cheated

Three things I am not proud of, have I moved on from it? Yes. Will I go back to it? No way in hell. I'm proud of who I have become. Although I can't change or erase the facts, I can move forward from them.

If you'll let me?
Love you, eventhough I shouldn't

I've mended myself, made myself better, today i learn to breath again.



That being said I feel like one of my closest is slipping away, its not attatchment from the orgasms or joy you bring me. You're my safe place, I don't mean that in an intimate way whatso ever but in the sense that if I was ever to be hurt, abandoned or ruined. I feel like you would have my back. But lately I feel that slipping.

Conclution: I miss playing power rangers with you, laughing non stop and hanging out. Will things ever be normal? Who am I to say, but until you get through your rut, ill be waiting.

can i have you?

All of you?
A part of you?
Anything.?

Someone give me something to hold on I feel that my mask of sanity is slowly slipping, and I'm not so sure of the outcome.

i want

So badly to believe that there is truth and love is real.

Dear Ontario.

As much as I hate you and everything you're about, I had a decent time. I learned a lot of good life lessons some good some bad.

And as much as I resent the time I have wasted here I'm glad to haver two amazing friends to spend it with.

I have grown a lot in the last few months and I'm so happy to have.

I love everything about life right now <3 its literally perfect!

Thank you Joel and Corey OC for making my life better.

Speak the truth,

Even if your voice shakes.



Goodmorning gorgeous! Have a good day xo

may i

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaase!!

<3

I want it more than anything in the world right now, and always!!


Also a boy on Valentines would be nice, but no necessary!

Thank you!

day six

With no underwear :s

I really need to do laundy!! Sat can't come soon enough!

oh yeah!!

On a happier not (LOL)

Updates in Montrèal!!
Ok so after almost three months I have:
-my own place
-a bedroom set!!!
-my cat
-a tv
-a matress(finally)
And most important some of the most amazing people I have ever met surround me!!

Conclution: if you decide one day to pick up your life and move it 5000 km away do it! But if you have someone at home who you love, don't leave them! It will ruin your life!!
But everything happends for a reason :) Live,Learn,Grow and Create.


Also, don't listen to Dallas Green when you're sad!! It will make you sob like a baby!!

this morning..

I woke up way too early, was out of soy milk and bailed on the Montreal ice and tore the knee of my pants!! :(

But I'm going to le petit ruse! And maybe sub v after.

Todays prediction: federal offenses and lots of offended people in the futire!

Peeeaaaacccceee!

misanthropy

One day I'm going to marry patrick bateman and life will be perfect:)

this is going to be an amazing week!

Despite the fact my plugs are torn to shit and always bleed, and that three of my closest(one ex closest??) Friends are going across the country for seven weeks, things will be great:)

I'm going to an athiest bookstore, and a communist store, where I can tons of great hammer and sickle stuff :)

As you can imagine my excited level is through the roof!!


Conclutions: Communism can make anyones day brighter, vote red party!

West Island kids

Know where its at!!


Thanks for always being there for me :)
I love you all so bad


Even if I am a dirty, greasy communist <3