midngiht

lonely new years!!

Anyone wanna smootch?? Get at me

I'm glad I can inspire SOMEONE!

Joey, walked bear foot through the glass not a single cut says: (10:48:41 PM)
if i did not know you i would not be nearly as inspired

jamiexjamie says: (10:48:54 PM)
inspired as to what?

Joey, walked bear foot through the glass not a single cut says: (10:49:07 PM)
as to creating

jamiexjamie says: (10:49:18 PM)
What have i inspired you to create?

Joey, walked bear foot through the glass not a single cut says: (10:49:27 PM)
ummm

Joey, walked bear foot through the glass not a single cut says: (10:49:35 PM)
so forgetfull are we

I finally

made it :)


SALUT MONTREAL!

Cher Montréal

-nervous
-excited
-curious
-ecstatic

-TERRIFIED

4:01am

As I lie here and try to recollect all of the memories we've spent together, I seem to find myself still smiling regardless of the things that have happened. I can't decide weather to be happy about the times we shared, or dread the decision you made. While I lay here wide awake taking comfort in the fact that you're in a 'good-place' that just isn't good enough closure for me. I often wonder as I sit, wide awake if there was anything I could have done to prevent your monstrosity from wondering that late cold night. The fact that I was with you
just the night before and you told me that you would be my friend forever didn't seem enough to make you stick around for a bit with me.
Which brings me to my next point, what is forever? According to the Webster dicttionary: verlastingly: for a limitless time. So why would you promise me something that you surely could not give back?? Seems to be a pattern in my life someone tells you the will love you forever or be your friend 'forever' why do we seem to always promise the unattainable? And why do we constantly believe when people say this word to us? It seems to reassuring, so overwhelming and so perfect! It seems to be countless amounts of times that I have been told I was loved and literally the next day they turn their back on me, weather it's a friendship or relationship, I still don't find comfort in forever.
Ugghh, the frusteration of having so many dead friends is almost explainable, its like you forever about it and than BAM the smallest reminder comes up and all of a sudden your week is ruined, you think about one; a slit wrist, a hanging, a swalled razor blade, that's just the beginning though. By Tuesday your still blaiming yourself for the ex who overdosed. There's times that I wish I was never even their friends. They have no idea how their lives have touched me or made me feel or the effect their death has had on me. I could write about this for eighteen hours.
I found myself quite alarmed when a recent someone in my life told me that he was going to off himself. Its hard. I wish he could see exactly how much of my life was ripped apart. Or that I could bring him to see Brett's mother, the mess that she has been since her son committed almost 3 years ago now. Or perhaps bring him over to my Aunts house, Her son committed 6 years ago, she still hasn't left her bedroom. Or how about I give him a piece of me, a glimpse into the cold heart I carry around. When those words poisoned his lips I wanted to show him my scars soo bad, let him run his gentle fingers down my fore arm and feel the limps or tendon's and muscles and internal scaring that the pain of others suicide have had on me. If you ever read this, you SURELY will know who you are. But I don't think you're dumb for saying it, just selfish.
So to all of those who I have lost over the years to suicide, almost ten of you. Rest in peace, I hope you are still guiding me or watching over me in some sense. Please pull me through these hard things, and keep me headed on the right track.
Its crazy how a simple dream can cause so much commotion in my life.

Sumer Goals Conclutions

(recap)

1. get a tan
2. go to the beach
3. read 3 new books
4. fall in love
5. save money
6. loose weight
7. start to volunteer again
8. save myself
9. never forget
   

10. Make the best of thing
11. Get a job
12. Get a new license.
13. Get a new hobby, that isn't illegal
14. Make more time for myself.
15.Try and work on my debt 16.Have Adventures
17.Get into trouble
18. Endless camping and midnight walks
19. Spend one night under the stars, no tent nothing just up all night talking about life
20. Learn to make sushi
21. Learn to trust again
22.Talk about everything with someone, let it all out and dont be afraid of what they will say.
23. Clear my mind and sole.
24. Give peace a chance.

That should be a good start. Anything in red is something that i'v completed, In a few months ill check back with just the stuff I need to do.

Ok so, I didn't fall in love, nor did I do all of those cutsey lovey-dovey things that I would have liked to but fall is looking up.

I didn't save money or get a job or license either. Fuck, But at least im on the right path for school.

One more sleep!

No booze, no drugs, no fuckin'.
Break the rules, your life means nothin'.
Three x's, they're for me, I live my life drug fuckin' free!

I'm straightedge, it's true! I think I'm better than you!


COCK PUNCHHH

reasons why i hate you. .

• for the first time in my life I'm insecure
• I won't trust anyone for a LONG time
• you made me feel fat, ugly, and filthy.
• I hate ever item of clothing I have now cause I feel disgusting

Thank you
for the hurt feelings, && eating disorder

FUCKING GORGEOUS

If i hear from someone that i am 'fucking gorgeous' one more time.

Im gonna loose my damn mind,
and shoot myself in the fucking face

I AM:

• intelligent
• adoring
• graceful
• positive
• charming
• affectionate
• intriguing
  
• genuine

and a whole lot more.

FUCK YOU ALL.
look at ME

How things should be

<--- When I grow up I want this to be me.

I want to live with a rich man, cooking, cleaning and producing his children.

I want to be a top of the line trophy wife. With a fake pair of tits and one thousand beautiful dresses.

Someone that he comes home to, I make his a healthy vegan meal and rub his shoulders after he unwinds from a hard day at work.

He will buy me diamonds, high heels, expensive jewlery, and give me as much money as I want.

I'll spend my days at the hair salon, getting fit at the gym and still having time to take care of my children.

I want the perfect family that I never could have.


...when i grow up.

captain captain!

we are sinking
can't you see that everyones screaming?
we're going down were going down.

You were right all along, i am a stupid girl.
I make, made and will make dumb decisions.
Im afraid of commitment, and having sometimes solid in my life because i never have had sterdy ground my whole life.
I make excuses and won't bury my past. I always am looking for something better and don't see that the best thing for me is right in front of my face.

My constant search will be my demise , i could almost put money on it.


BUT, you were wrong about a lot too.
I am a very strong individual, im truthful, i cleaned up my life and im stronger than i have ever been.
im smarter than you or anyone you know because my average is double yours and i dont sit at home all day and isolate myself from the reality of what i have done. I have a good heart, strong drive and a personality bigger than anyone i know.

im real
you still live in your dream world

wake up!

it was once written

about me, that

my fear of love will be the death of me,

iv never been so sure of something in my whole life.

_____________________

The reason's why you
could not love me
They were all
Foreshadowed from your past,
Pushing yourself away
from what you start to care for.
Carrying a heart,
You could never love back

Your fear of loving
will be the death of you someday,
You'll be the first to find out
the question of all questions,
Life without love?
Cuz from what you say in my ear,
And I know from your words
when your game is played time and time again,
You'll wish he had my eyes,
You'll wish his hands were mine,
You'll wish he said all the things
that I said to make you smile.
But I guess the way we fit so perfect
had to be molded sometime,
We chose to let this die
when we wanted it so bad.
Its not about me anymore
its about you,
your life,
your wants,
your heart,
your choices.
just know,
We did it right
I Often see your face when I close my eyes,
Grasping a pillow under my arms so gently,
But it never quite cut it,
it never quite filled the cracks,
in our mold that was smashed apart

what we had was real,
so don't disguise your fear to love
with your fear to hurt.
Ask Yourself
what is life without love?
I couldn't say.
But hey, There is no love without fear right?

Quinccy Alexandre Williams <3

Cutest nigger I know :)

He's my number one man.
I love him soo bad!

Cause he's sassy like me!
and we both have bad hair cuts.

xox

Have Heart!

<3
its an important thing to remember, from now on im having heart in everything i do. I used to live my life my this rule, but i thought it meant to be nice and show care for everyone in the decisions that you make.

Nope, I'm realizing it means that weather you're nice or mean to back it up with everything you have. So from now on that is what I'm gonna do.



Pyceeeeee

i would do anything for you.

ANYTHING!
Someone Buy me a kitten like this :)
I would be forever happy!

lust

I wish i wasn't cursed with beauty
So i would be more than a pretty face
more than i piece of flesh
and more than a warm hole.

I wish i could be looked at for the intelligent, talented and complex human that i am.

hospital <3

hold it in, hold it in
these words are better left unsaid
i'm sorry, mom
you were always such a hero when today
i walked out of the door
and turned my back on love
it was the day i became a child
searching to grow up
i wish this was a dream
you were both always so forgiving
i think it took me losing everything
i ruined something beautiful

and all i ask
all i ask is one thing

never call me stranger
just please call me daughter
tell me something, won't you
tell me what i was like, oh won't you tell me
tell me what i was like when i was innocent.

25 Things I think you should know about me.

1. im terrified of the dark ad sleep with a pink unicorn nightlight.
2. im afraid ill never fall in love in the same way that i once did, and it scares me.
3. lately i dont know who i am, i think i found myself this past week and im so thankful to have some sort of knowledge into myself
4. i like everyone, if i dont like you theres a good reason for it. i only hate one person.
5. i belive in karma and fate
6. i hide behind my image beuase im afraid people will see through it and see the pain iv surcum to all these years
7. im too forgiving
8. i made a mistake. . .
9. i miss my best friend, he died a few years ago and i miss him so much, ill neve admit it but i have never been the same since that day
10. i read because it makes me look smarter, and so i dont fall into the typical steriotype a female covered in tattoos
11. im going to rich one day, and i dont care what i have to do
12. iv learned to only care for myself, and my own wants and feelings, but emily is opening my heart to others
13. i think i found my soulmate
14. i think you can judge a persons wmotional strength based on the archs in their eyebrows
15. make up is best, long hair is better
16. if i could wear a dress everyday i would
17. i wear these scars not because of you, but because of me. i didn't want your attention or do it so you would talk to me, i knew it would push you away, i did it because sometimes theres no other way
18. im never going to be able to reproduce, this has its benifits, although i dont think i want kids i still would like the option, since it was wripped away from me a week and a half ago i would have loved to held you. .i think
    
19. for 16 years iv held your secret, todays the day i tell someone. luckily for you you're dead
20. tornados fasinate me
21. im simpler than you think, my macbook means the world to me
22. if i could get three wishs they would be:
    _to truley understand love, so i could love happy
    _to get brett back and all the other firends i have lost
    _to spend more time with my mom growing up, i feel like things would have been a lot more diff if i had a little more faith in her
23. i dont resent you for what you did to me, im thankful. you taught me what the bottom feels like, i had no other option but to raise from where you left me, but sometimes i go back to that dark place.... and i like it.
24. i dont have any secrets, im dont with that. Prject Truth 09. Live Free
25. you mostl likely shoudnt take me seriosuly 98% of the time, nor should you judge me based on things you may have heard, sometimes its best to find out for yourself. you might regret not doing so someday.
    

Dear Brett,

I haven't felt you lately. Its been months since I felt your gentle hand on my back or your fingers in my hair when I'm falling asleep.

I used to think you watched over me when I slept and came down to me when I was crying. For the last 3 years I have felt and seen you everywhere, city bus', reflections, anywhere I was. Only for a simple glance but it made me feel so good.

You talked to me one night in my dream and since then I haven't felt you. I don't know how to get a hold of you anymore. This is my last attempt please come back, im not done with your guidence. Im more last than I ever have been. Please come back to me. I need you.

It makes me so sad to know that I might not feel you anymore, its been so long. And the one thing I feared the most is starting to happen, you're becoming a memory. I can't remember your voice anymore, But those eyes and that smile could never leave my mind.

This is my Plee, I love you.
You were one of my best friends, for a LONG time.
I never thought it would end this way.
Come back im so lost without your guidence. I need you watching over me again. Im in over my head I need my best friend back.

Rest In Peace
Brett Thomas Lyons <3
Regardelss of if I can feel your presence or not, you're going to live in in my heart until I join you.
xoxo

Summer time

Come quicker!!

• bonfires
• laying in the grass
  
• tire swings
• sidewalk chalk
• beaches
• freckles
• sunshine!

Iv decided to make myself a few summer goals!!
At the end of the summer Ill let you know how many I completed. This is going to be the summer for dirt, Im gonna try my hardest to fall in love, and I'm moving away.

Byeeeeee

White supremest =(

Reasons 1&&2, why you should not let your white supremest friends draw swastika's on your knee caps, than go tanning..





4 days til i go on vacation to Dominican Republic.. FML

give me

something worth fighting for!!!
Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention

Love song

I want a boy who will:

• Make me happy when I'm sad.
• Give me little hand crafted objects to let me know he's thinking of me.
• Give me kisses all day and not acre who is around to see it or what they are thinking.
• Who will encourage me to live to my fullest potential and nothing less.
• Who i can feel comfortable around no matter WHAT is going on.
  
• A boy who will never make me feel dumb or underestimate me.
  
• Someone who will respect me to the fullest
• Brag about me whenever he gets the chance.
• Call in sick with me sometimes just to spend the whole day in bed with me listening to mayday parade and singing like idiots, cuddling and who will bring me strawberries in bed =)
  
• Give me his whole heart and not a smidgen less.
• Want to spend time with me, who doesn't live by a schedule or at least one who will be able to fit me into it.
  
• Take cute pictures with me, go on dates with me, hold my hand when i get tattoos, and those other boyfriend-type things.
• Hold me in the dark when I'm falling asleep and never let go
• WILL LOVE ME, for who i am, past mistakes I've made, and future ones that i will.
  

If you're out there let me know! Because I need you, I've been feeling so lonely lately, and this taste of lust isnt enough to quench my thirst.

I want a boy who I can love.

new begginin

Live it, Learn it, Love it.

x ex x

"I've been up for days,
Trying to find a way to write this confession down.
Seems every line I writes a mess,
At least this I'll admit.
For what I've done I am not proud
But there's no need to pretend
No need for innocence
I've got to be honest now."

Simply stated:
_i DO feel badly about what iv done
_but i DON'T regret it, I learned a lot about myself and you through my actions
_im over the idea of you, but I don't ever think I'll fully forget you, or the way your hands graced my skin, your gentle smile and perfect features..

With that said. . . .
Im putting you behind me today
Im putting away everything you gave me
Im putting an end to this sanity
waking up, thinking of you
Not a single night has passed that you haven't graced
my dreams.

Sometimes memories are better left of just as that.

R.I.P

slowely your scent will fade,
but not the memories.
Slowly you'll leave my head
But not my heart

Weather you like it or not
A small piece of you will always
be a big part of me.

&& Im Okay with that
I wish you the best

xoxo. Jxmxx

scotophobia

you will be the death of me . .

INTEGRITY

keeps me strong,

LIVE LIFE!
no regrets

<3

confessions..

Dear Windsor ON
By now I'm sure you have created quite the opinion of me, Truth is..

I'm a terrible person,
but I'm not ashamed.

I love every second of it.
Plus, if my life wasn't so eventful
what would you have to talk about
with you friends, and who would
you have to talk about.

xo
_______
Now for some confessions:
-i made out with your ex, we aren't friends because you showed interest in mine.
-i kept your sweaters because they still smell like you, i dont let anyone wear them because im afraid one day the scent may ware off
-i think you're fucking ugly, but something about you interests me.
-i want to poke holes in all of your condoms, to see if you lack the courage on your convictions
&& you mean so much to me but you will never know because im too embarrassed to tell anyone that i even talk to you.
_______

"beauty and brains never come together"

As a child,
I would always get this fortune cookie when we went for chinese food, I never really quite got its meaning because really, i was an ugly kid and never got great grades. It seemed like everytime we went out to eat everyone would get these ensightful fortunes promising wealth, health and richs and i was the awkward, dumb little kid. To this day those words have stuck in my head, just a small memory nothing to surpass as anthing more. Recently I am starting to reolise that what started off as a small piece of paper baked into a sweet tasting cookie, would actaully follow me 19 years.
I am starting to reolise now, becoming a much more beautiful and much more educated young lady, how enlighting this fortune really is. .

Being beautiful doesn't seem to have made me any smarter. If anything, shedding that awkward body and baby fat has turned me into something I have never wanted to become.
I lie
I cheat
I hurt
I do it all knowing exactly what i am getting myself into.

Today is the day :
I turn myself around
I stick to my goals
I use my common sense, its there screaming at me, I'v just learned to ignore it

Today I become the me, iv been too afraid to show.
Burrying my past, Excelling to the future.

Thank you Uncle Chow,
your fortune has finally opened my eyes
________________________________________

first.

"Sad enough to say that alone I could barely light a match
but together we can burn this place down."

I met my soul mate a few weeks ago.
She came in the female form
but I am so glad.

I feel like we've known eachother for most of my life,
And I love her.

Its about time things started to shape up for me (L)

She's beautiful, smart, pretty and talented. Together we're unstoppable and desirable. Red heads are hawt


xo